


Call Your Doctor If: A DaveKat Romance

by updog



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck Kink Meme, Homestuck Shipping Olympics, Homestuck Shipping World Cup, M/M, Trolls (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-15 22:03:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9259379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/updog/pseuds/updog
Summary: A heartwrenching story of 2 bros and bro time.





	1. Chapter 1

One fateful evening them bois were chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool on the couch where they had fucked each other many times before. This couch was in a way sacred to these bros. This disgusting piece of furniture had been their place of all bro sessions, including games, deep conversations, the sharing of the most dank memes and rap battles, as well as countless beejes and ass play Dave liked to call "bro time".

But today, they gave their anuses a break and played video games. This only lasted a few hours until shit got freaky once more.

They were sweaty and on the verge of tears after finishing an especially heated round of Mario Party 2. Palms hot and worn from joystick abuse, Karkat threw his arms in the air.

“That is bullshit,” he cried, “I can’t believe your dumb ass won again!”

“That’s what happens when you go against the master of timeless games.” Dave stated. His killer shades refracted light in a cool timely manner.

“Timeless. THIS is considered timeless?!”

“Yeah.”

“By who?!”

“Me, bitch” His shades glittered once more.

“Wow, how in the FUCK are you so fucking arrogant?!”

Once again for the five billionth time, Karkat went on some stupid monologue speech that no one gave a fuck about. His passionate rant on how much of a shitlord Dave was turned Dave on. Dave noticed that Karkat was hot and bothered as well, and took action.

“Bro.” Dave put a hand on Karkat’s gross alien thighs. “Bro… Bro time?”

Karkat huffed and repeated, “Bro time.”

Shit man after that they just went at each other. Little did they know that this bro time would change their lives. In the heat of the moment the gross alien bit into Dave’s neck, but much deeper than before. After that, Karkat couldn’t help but notice a little problem. Did I say a little problem? I meant a big problem. Big as in Dave’s massive dick. Like I’m talking an abnormally massive erect donger. 

Karkat showed concern, but he decided to talk about it after their loud steamy bro time. Their couch lost it’s will and collapsed from under them, but it didn’t matter. They continued, shoving couch scraps up each others asses. A pillow was absorbed by Karkat’s ass, due to a troll’s biological process of absorbing water and nutrients via their anuses. *Certain bugs irl do that. Isn’t that crazy?*

Regaining their breath from bro time, Karkat spoke, “Your bone bulge is still so fucking big and erect, you should probably get some help—“

Before he could say anything else, Dave grabbed Karkat’s thicc insectoid ass and whispered, “Bro. Our bro time is the only help I need.”

Karkat lost his shit to that fucking smoothness and so they banged like another 3 times for the sake of a glorious bro time. Afterwards they showered together and it made bro time complete. That is until Dave fainted and had to be taken to the ER. 

He awoke in a white room with Karkat at his side.

“What’s going on?” Dave asked nonchalantly. His shades glimmered in confusion.

The doctor, in utter disbelief and ready to quit his job, explained, “When you were bit during your… “bro time”, a chemical reaction made something commonly called the Never Ending Boner.”

“That’s fucking sick.” Dave said

“No it’s not sick it’s fatal, Mr. Strider”

“That’s even more sick” He gave into a fit of coughing and became lightheaded. Dave’s shades sparkled just a little dimmer.

Karkat, on the verge of tears, shook him violently and begged for his beloved bro to make it through the Never Ending Boner.

But alas, death came, and his killer shades gleamed one last time. Karkat fell upon his still veiny, monstrous cock that stood like a mighty redwood tree and mourned.

When night fell, Karkat still mourned over Dave. However, a blinding light shined. It was his signature shades! With his shades came his ghost.

“Bro.” Dave echoed down, “The fuck you doing? Let’s go, we’re missing bro time.”

So, they went home and had more paranormal bro time, and used the remainder of their couch to shove up each others asses.

THE END


	2. Give Me Some Sugar: A DaveKat Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Them bois are at it again with more gay.

Months have passed since Dave perished from the Never Ending Boner. However, the bond between he and Karkat had never been stronger. Karkat came to terms with Dave’s new ghost form. In fact we welcomed it; paranormal bro time was the best thing to ever happen to the bois. Parts of Karkat’s equivalent to an anal cavity that were once unexplored were now ravished by Dave’s monster ghost cock.

However, sorrow still lingered. Karkat contracted cancer from the massive amounts of pillows and other couch scraps he absorbed through his anal cavity. Dave watched as his lover deteriorated. Though he would be with him in spirit form, he hated to see his vile creature suffer. That is unless it was from the messy aftermath of rough bro times.

One afternoon, they decided to bake pot brownies, because that makes sense, shut up. Dave, being a fucking idiot and Karkat, being a stupid alien, led to this feat being a disaster. Dave took this opportunity to wear nothing but his signature shades and an apron, which he stole from his kindly but very unfortunate neighbors. The amount of bro time they have heard had damaged them beyond repair. And not like Jared Leto damaged because thats fucking stupid. 

Obviously Karat was super turned on by this and shot a massive boner, but of course not as impressive as Dave’s legendary dongledip. It was also not like a human penis; it was like lined with thorns and shit. Real fucking gross but Dave likes that shit so whatever.

“Dave where’s your garbage powder?” Kurt asked

“My what” Dave asked, but cooler. 

“The sweet substance humans put in food.”

Dave checked the cupboards Carrot couldn’t reach, which was basically all of them. He’s such a short shit but Dave, being 6’9” and born with massive yaoi hands, carefully checked each one.

“Guess we don’t have any.” Dave’s shades glimmered in disappointment, “We should ask the neighbors."

“Dave you fuckass, none of the neighbors would give us the crystalline death.” Kakarot stated.

“You mean sugar?” Dink corrected.

And of course, Korn got upset at being corrected and went on another goddamn rant. Once again, Dave decided to take action. His shades charged their hyper beam of light, prepared for another one of his signature smooth lines.

“Karkat, why don’t you” Dave took a moment to look at a camera that wasn’t there, “give me some sugar?” 

Kokoro blushed and went full chub so hard that blood and cum shot out of every orifice of his body. 

The bois went at it in another bro time, banging on every kitchen surface, including places covered in flour and chocolate. Shit was nasty and so unsanitary. Karaoke’s anus appeared to dilate and contract due to Dingle’s invisible but monstrous dunkaroo. 

Numerous kitchen utensils and appliances were inserted into Kirby’s anal cavity.   
Despite the intense pleasure he received, I assure you that the utensils were not designed for their intended purpose. Warrantees on these appliances were invalidated by this act, much to Dave’s misfortune in the future.

While them bois enjoyed bro time, the brownies finished baking. They took a moment to take them out of the oven and turn off the oven. But Kobra, being a dumbass, turned it the wrong way and set it to 500 degrees.

They ate their shitty sugarless brownies, but it didn’t matter because they got incredibly stoned. Dave and Credit Karma fucked on more surfaces than before, somehow spreading filth onto every surface in their house.

Influenced by that dank kush, Dvae and Kierkegaard moved their train wreck of love making towards the oven. Corbin Bleu was propped on the oven door for their completion. Both were on the utter brink of explosion via orgasm. Cork board shrieked out from a mixture of pure pleasure and being baked alive, in both senses. Part of the ungodly noise came from his carapace ripping apart due to the extreme heat. Because he’s a goddamn crab.

“Karkat, are you screaming for me?” Drake asked, “If you are that’s flattering but shut up you’re literally making my ears bleed.”

“I AM BURNING ALIVE, ASSHOLE.” Karrablast screeched. 

And, just like dandelion seeds drifting to new land, Korma passed on. Passed on as in got fucking obliterated into thousands of pieces. Juicy Karb meat stuck against all parts of the walls. 

Dank, torn apart by such a tragic yet beautiful death, pulled together every piece he could salvage. He arranged a glorious funeral display for Kim Kardashian. Dave arranged his legs and lumps of meat into a metal bucket, melted butter placed at his side.

“Rest in pieces, bro” he muttered. Silver tears streamed from behind his super cool shades.

From the bucket rose Kirkand’s ghost, more pissy than ever. He did not appreciate his funeral arrangements and went on a full rant once more. Regardless, Dave embraced his newly formed bro. 

And so, they spent the rest of eternity as the grossest, horniest ghosts. Now every surface is a bro time surface. No one is safe.

To be continued?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to add more shit based on Karkat’s anal pillow cancer but it really doesn’t fucking matter. They’re dead.


End file.
